Dear, you again

Dear You.. Again.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. The anniversary of the date when all of this happened is coming up. On the morning of march 6th you changed my life forever. That date is less than a month away.

I’ve been talking to my brother more. After what happened with you, I cut all males out of my life. One of the biggest mistakes I could have done because I cut my biggest supporters off. Mr. Walker, Mr. Anderson and my brother were my backbone. They always encouraged and protected me and I was so afraid of what they would think if I told them. I’m still afraid of what they would think of me. I’m afraid of how they will react? I don’t plan on telling them but I plan on getting all three of those relationships back on track. I need them in my life and I pray to god that they let me back in.

I’m scared to death that I will see them and I won’t be able to hide the empty look in my eyes. The empty feeling that I feel in my heart. The empty way I feel when I feel as if I’m just floating above my body. They know me better then anyone. They knew all of my bad days and good days and they can tell my moods from a hundred feet away. I remember senior year, when I was so depressed that I apparently hadn’t smiled in a while. I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t smiled but mr walker and mr Anderson did. I remember mr Anderson saying “smile girl damn”, in his mean voice! like he would scare me into smiling when he is really just a big old teddy bear. haha. I remember being in the cafeteria and mr walker walking up to me and saying “whatever it is tell me how to help? You need to smile, You can’t walk around like this anymore! what is it I’ll help you fix it”. I had smiled at him because I felt his love and concern and they did help me get through it. They helped me through my fears and because of them I am where I am now. In my last year of undergrad with a 3.7 GPA.

I had to keep them away because I couldn’t/can’t imagine the look in their eyes when they find out what I let you do to me. After how tough they taught me to be, but how weak I was when it really counted. I still blame myself. I realize I should be blaming you but I blame myself. I was so stupid. I put myself in a horrible situation and then I let you get away with it.

I was thinking of telling my brother. I think that would be the logical first step, but I cant seem to bring myself to do it. How do I tell my little brother that I have been battling these demons for almost a year now. How will he react? he’s always been an alpha male, will he be mad at me? disappointed? will he want to go after you? I started thinking about how he would feel if I told him what had happened to his sister, about how I would feel if he did this to anyone else’s sister. I know that he would never. At the end of the day I am his sister and I can only imagine he will be angry, he’s going to be mad as hell.

And that is when it clicked. That is when I started wondering if you had a sister. I never wish my downfall on anybody else. I hope that what happened will never happen to anyone else. That nobody’s sister, daughter or friend ever goes through this. But I couldn’t help but wonder how you would feel if somebody did this to your sister? Would you be mad? would you be upset at her? I think about that all the time. I wonder if when you were on top of me, did you ever think of me as someone’s sister?

This upcoming date is making me nervous. It’s been a whole fucking year and I can still smell you when I close my eyes. The thought of you on top of me still makes me nauseous. I’ve made great progress in the last few months but I’m no where near the same person I was before all of this. I don’t think I will ever be the same. I wonder if you know that the day is coming up? do you remember the exact date like I do?

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